25 May 2009 8.34pm

Blog earlier...

cuz i want go out later...
scare don't have the time to blog...

i finally go and pierce my ear d...
afraid at first...
but now okay already...
will post some picture when i got time...
so you all can decide whether its nice or not...

as for my promise to her...
i think is too long already...
because i think it only can last 1 week...

starting to cool everything down...
disappointed...
frustrated...
uncontrollable...
most of all...
hurt...

i think maybe its the right time for me
to approach some other things...
stick at her whole time won't change a thing in my life...

until now i just realize...
i am really stupid...
for a girl...
i nearly let go of something important in my life...
that is happiness...
almost everyday...
i will moody because of her...
what is the point for all that...
does she really care about what i feel...
does she really even mean it when she say i got a place in her heart...

i really don't know...
and now i don't even want to know now...
just let it be...

25 May 2009 5.04am

Yesterday skip one day for blogging...

that is because...

clubbing night...
very long time didn't go clubbing already...
at there knew some new friends...
all okay...
but just friends...

my heart is still at the point we both left behind....

but yesterday...
quite sad...
because i feel we are getting further and further...
less message..
less conversation...

i try to be drunk...
but no matter how much i drink...
i still can't be drunk...
at the end hang up at mcd and hamid corner...
chat until morning just back home...
there is so much things i realize on that conversation...
enlighten my mind for a while...

last but not least...
i have made a decision for myself...
Project G for another 3 months...
if not i quit...
if i still fail to move your heart...
i will disappear immediately...
that is my promise...

time won't lie people

23 May 2009 12.22am

Tired...

Gonna make this blog short today...
nothing special happened today...

same as normal routine

design design design...
until my eyes want to become blind already...

people in the pass which should be forgotten should be forgotten now...
meaningless to remember them...

good night everyone...

as for you...
there is a word saying
miles apart but close at heart
but we are
not close at heart but stay very near...
wierd hor...
after that incident..
we really become stranger le...
i don't know what to say to you already...
that's why every time i evade you...
i really hope time can prove everything now...

hopefully...
nitez la...
stupid elmo

22 May 2009 3.46pm

Today...

i got a hokkien word..
wu gui chio pi bo be...
i think many people know this word..
the meaning is...
look at yourself before you say other people...
thats all i can say...

Prejudice is another thing out in my conversation today...
people tend to hurt others because of prejudice...
i think prejudice got 2 kinds...
one is for self defence..
and other is for jealousy...
think about this makes me think of someone i know for a long time...

bpmall looking for me to interview...
im not sure whether im going for it or not...
because its not the same thing i am doing now...
just give it a try...
there is no loss anyway...

as for her...
If you can't bite, don't show your teeth
If you can't love, don't show your heart

Nitez..

20 May 2009 9.03pm

One Word For Today...

Tired...
not enough sleep for 2 days already...
7am sleep 9am wake up already...

i think i can be iron man already...

this two day...
all i do is...

design,design,design
play,play,play
chat,chat,chat

that is my routine for this past 2 days...
that's why i don't have time for blogging...

anyway...
just want to wish my friend

Chester
Happy 20th Birthday!!
Hope all your dreams may come true...

i hope mine can come true too...

18 May 2009 2.17am

today...

as usual also...

wake up
brush teeth
eat
go bpmall

but there is something special today...
my best friends have come back...
long time didnt saw him already...
miss him very much...
im not gay okay...
but at the end...
let them tease me till i can't bear it...

as for her...
i still care bout her...
but i think sooner or later...
we both will be stranger...
everything has changed since that day...

i noe its a decision made by me...
and i noe the consequences...
but i just can do this...
nothing else i can do...

so i must let go things that does not belong to me...
accept the fact and move on my life...

as for the future things...
i can't predict future...
so wait till that time just say...
as for now...
live happily everyday...

thats the way i am...

but until now...
i am still the sotong u noe...
i havent changed a bit...

even the whole world don't accept you...
there is one place that accept you...
my heart

17 May 2009 4.12am

Today...

as usual...
wake up...
brush teeth...
bath...
bpmall...
home....
msn....
sleep...

nitez all...
no mood for today

16 May 2009 2.55am

Today...

a bit moody...
don't know why...
just wake up and feel body really uneasy...

told mum about the hair dressing course...
she ask me to think clearly...

now my head is full of bullshit...

A B or C?

i still haven't make my mind yet...
but 行行出状元...
rite...

today i text her...
just a simple message...Smile...
that's it...
its not that i can't hold it...
the fact is i want her to be same like me...
be happy everyday...
let bad memories be swept away and good memories to be keep in our heart...
i know its really hard...
but try endure it a little more while...
because i know you will get well soon...

don't worry about me...
i will be fine...

just remember our promise...
1st on your list when you are available...


because im still waiting at the point we both left behind...

15 May 2009 2.52am

Today...

everything go fine...

then whole day wasted at saloon...
my purpose is to go and find somebody to chat...
cheer myself up...

then Dash say her name out...
what the hell...
spoil my mood only...

later...at the afternoon...
i try to get out from the saloon...
go and see house with dad and mum...
the place is at sri gading...
named Pura Kencana...
really nice house...
but still need to see 1st...

i saw ur message already...
thanks for promise me that...
i really hope it will come true...
but please dun use last time or what...
im not going to die okay...
i still owe you a mickey mouse drawing ler...
haha...

y so sad wor...
silly gal...
remember those memories...
be happy la...
those memories even money cannot buy...
even ur bf also cannot give u...
haha...

your eyes how d...
don't make me sad...
please okay...
cheer up...
do you trust me?
if you trust me...just do me a favor...
be happy...
thats all...

如果你是我的，你就是我的
如果你不是我的，就算我杀了你的男朋友，
你也不是我的。

明白吗？
柔娜

14 May 2009 4.38am

Finally..

I Put down the bag im carrying...
really ease down the pain...

just a couple of hours before...
i just let go of a precious thing in my life...
how stupid i am to let it go...

but i also cant do a thing about it...
she has her limit...
so do i...
she cant fulfill what i want...
so i had to do this decision...

sorry...
i was kinda harsh on you...
but its for our own good...
i noe u have ur reason...
so do i...
we both fair now...
1-1

i don't know if you will still view my blog or not...
but i will always note down what i have done everyday here...
so that u can know am i being well or not...

there is many thing i haven't told you...
let me tell you at here then...

i believe in something called fate...
fate brought us together...
but fate will never make people go away...
what mine is mine...
what is not mine, how hard i want it i also can't get it...
you understand this?

don't cry silly girl...
what for crying...
crying wont help anything...
its not yet the end for you and me...
as i said before...
i will wait...
i will wait till you don't have boyfriend...
now is not the suitable time for me to appear...
i will become batman again...
hiding in the dark...
when the timing comes...
we really need fate to bring us together again...

as for the matter we are friends or not...
lets cool down for the time being first...
i will tell you when the time is right...

i really wish you have a happy time when im not around...
i will take care of myself...
don't worry about me...
nothing will happen to me...

do take care of yourself...
there wont be sotong again in your life...
won't have people sms you all the time...
and no surprise gift from me anymore...

what i hope now is...
fate will bring us together again...
till we meet again...
my love...

13 May 2009 8.54pm

Its raining heavily outside...
same like my heart...

its the 2nd day i cant be happy...
what is wrong with me...

just now...
i nearly met an accident...
i cant stop thinking about sotong...
then i didnt notice that it was red light in front...
luckily...my action is fast...
if not...i think the accident will be pretty bad...
because i didnt wear my sitbelt...

there is one question keep going in my head...

Should One Be Humble In Relationship?

the answer i have for now is 50/50
must depend on the current situation...

but when this problem comes to me...
i always lose...

should i try and get what i want now?
should i strive my best for my love ones?

i let those decision to be made by her...

The Lollipop
A special "Sweet"tasted candy.
The Candle
"Lighten" you up in the dark.
The Moon
Your "Direction" when you are lost.
The Game
Never a "Relationship"
The Relationship
Just "Us"
The Day
When you and me become "We"
"Love"
The only true special feeling between "You" and "Me"
"You"
The one and only in my "Life"

13 May 2009 12.08am

Sitting in front of my computer...
watching the samsung lcd...
thinking of what is going to happen next...

there is only two possibilities now...
hope
despair

which one should be mine today...

its the 1st time i cant be happy...
because i know i make a big trouble out...

i really wish to stop...
i really want to end...
because its killing me...

the feel i am in right now its like waiting for the doctor to tell me what sickness i have...
nervous...
afraid...

until now...the fear still very fresh in my mind...

what i afraid most...
the fear of being alone...

from start to now...
i already know this thing is going to happen...
but i insist to keep on...
because i think
if u be true to your love ones...
they will be moved...

but i guess i am wrong...
love is not everything...
its just a simple word to show that u care for the other part...
silly me to think love is greater than anything...

i really have done a big mistake...

i am really sorry...

if u saw this blog...
i wish to tell u that...
if he ask u to choose either one of us...
choose him...
not me...
please do it for me...

i am really sorry about all that happen on you...
i'm willing to bear all the consequences for you...
even if it has to sacrifice you...

12 May 2009 3.11am

its been 3 days i didnt write le..
because my kl friends come to find me..
at my hometown..
Hao,YCT and emperor...
thanks for coming to find me...
i hope these few days u guys have fun...

these 3 days...i learn a lot and i think of a lot...

should i or should i not?

this is the question i keep thinking...

today...my cousin ask me...
sotong like that u can meh?

how to answer...
i just answer im nobody...

today...i dunno y i really miss sotong...
got some kind of intuition tell me that she is unhappy...
because i got send her a message...
the message is about she is about to lose me as well...
im telling the fact...
because i really don't like this feel anymore...
i really cannot stand it...

but got any use?
no use at all...
haiz...really tired to think of this stuff already...

tired...
frustrated...
stress...
deep shit...
f**k....

sleep better..

9 May 2009 4.10am

Yesterday didn't write blog...
too tired already...
and nothing much happened yesterday...

but today...things a bit rush for me...
rush here rush there...
really tired...

when back bp...
friends starting to call...
ask me go out yamcha again...
aiks...
i just reach...need to go out again...

now..my pc is around me...
i can start my sea view project already...
yes...
hope i really can make it this time...
big project for me...

that all happened today...
nothing much...

as for sotong...
i feel she is a little bit weird...
seems like she hiding something from me...
i hope is i over reacting...

now...i can peacefully log off my computer...
and lay on my bed...

good night...

7 May 2009 2.32am

Havent back kl...sienz
cuz i overslept today...
really is pig...cant help it...7am juz sleep...
how to wake up early...
SLEEP EARLY LA...bodoh...

today...nothing much happened...
become kuli at hugo shop...
help him paint his shop...
and then fetch my bro to guitar lesson...
he has improved a lot...
can follow people sing...
and he play guitar...
good job...keep up the good work...

as for sotong...
hahah...really funny today...
let hugo and sotong sis tease...
how embarassing...
my ears and face turn red immediately...

i saw her jeans today...
quite nice...
but i don't like the button...
too girly...
not suitable for me...wuek...

sotong...take care of ur body la...
always hear u say u here pain there pain de ler...aiks...
like amah d ler...
really cant help u d la...

haha...finally i got my answer to the sms she sent me...
im really happy to hear that...
but she still got bf...
that means i have to wait...
sienz....
but good things need to be wait...rite?
hahaha...i treat her like some item...good things pulak...
you are not things okay...
you are something special to me...

you are not a bad gal okay...
you did nothing wrong...
its my fault...
its i keep pestering u thats y u did this thing...
im sorry to let u think u are a bad gal...
you said you don't know wat is the feel of happy...
when i hear that...
i feel sad...
u and ur bf be together...
should be happy...
but u tell me u don't know that feel...
haiz...then
nothing la...
i promise i wont say it again...

this is for you...

I wrote your name in the sky,
but the wind blew it away.
I wrote your name in the sand,
but the waves washed it away.
I carved your name on the wood,
but the woodpecker peck it away.
But when I wrote your name in my heart,
and forever it will stay.

6 May 2009 4.45am

Today weather is damn hot...
even its at night...
im also sweating like a pig...

talking about pig...H1N1 virus seems resurrect again...
No pork..No Pork okay...dangerous...

today...i go out the whole day...
tired..
because my routine everyday is the same..
go out..smoke..eat..smoke..talk..smoke..think..smoke and then smoke again...
seems busy...lol..
smoking kills...

sotong today seem moody...
and she doesnt look quite good...
doesn't know what happen to her...
because i didnt saw her...
somebody told me that...
but yet again...
we argue on some stupid question...
its my fault la...
i wont ask it again...

today...quite happy...
sotong sent me a message...
i don't know what does that means...
but im really happy...
i really hope u mean it...
because its been such a long time i didnt receive such message...
thank you...

5am already...
i must take a rest...
because im going back to kl later...
hope all things will go well when im not around...
will be back on friday or saturday

and to my mummy...

Mum u are the greatest mother in the world...
Carrying me in ur stomach for 10 months...
Using ur both hand to raise me up for 21years...
Repeatingly care me like no one else...
im so fortunate to have u as my mum...
i love you so much mummy...mwaks...



be happy always!!

5 May 2009 3.25am

its been my habit to write blog at this time already...
dunno y i like to write blog at this time too...

today...i think of many stuff...
future and past...
but most of it is past...
cuz my friends keep laughing at my past...

but there is one question i think they ask at a appropriate time...
they ask me, am i still angry at my ex...

without thinking...i said no...
although she very mean towards me...
but i really forget about what she did..
she did nothing wrong at that time...
its my fault at first...
because my personality is like this...
i dun like to express my feeling to others...
maybe she feel insecure with me...
what she did was right...
she pursue her own happiness...
now when i saw she is happy...
deep inside my heart...i am smiling...

and i never had a chance to say thank you to her...
if u saw this...
i really thanked you for choosing the right decision...
because this impact makes me grow up a lot..
now i have a totally different perspective on relationship...

as for sotong..
she seemed moody today..
i dunno why..
i didnt ask..
and i don't dare to guess..
because she don't like to express it too..
same as me...
i just feel it..
don't know why..

lead everyday with a smile...
be happy always...
burst out with laughter everytime...
make everyday a meaningful day...

4 May 2009 3.33am

Finally...im very relaxed now...
my bag has been lighter 50kg liao...
haha...my question is answered...
but there is a question still inside my head...
after all these...wat i am doing actually...
i really don't know...

why i want to know the answer?
why i want to know the truth?

i really don't know...
after tat conversation with sotong...
i think i make her realize something...
i dunno...i juz guess she realize something...
and it make me realize something too...
at that moment...i think only me and her notice it...

and it hurts me when i noe she cry...
i dun wan this to happen de...
but bor pian...i need to do like this to make her say the truth...
but what i most angry in the conversation...
is she ask me dun waste time...
i didnt okay...
im sorry again...i feel really bad for wat i done...

suddenly i feel we are going back thru time...
back to the old days...
where i start wooing her...
haha...when think back...i feel kinda funny...
in a blink of eye...its been 6months d...

many say i stupid, foolish, idiot...
ask me go find a new one...
intro new gals for me...
keep scolding me...
but i dun care...
i just feel...she is the one i need...
mayb this sound stupid...
but when she is around...all i can see is her...no one else....

i noe i cant love her...
i noe i cant have her...
but im still not giving up...
until one day...
she get married...sound kinda stupid...

but i wish to see her happy,
with or without me...

maybe this is life...
we got fate but we don't share the same destiny...

to sotong...

i noe u said he didnt dui bu qi u, and he zui jing hai man guan xin u de..
its not wrong..
but last time i also like this...yet wat happen to me...
its not that i don't believe him..
but this thing really hard to say...
and even if he do wrong...
u will forgive him...because i can see u really love him...
so i can't be compare to him...because we havent start anything yet...
but i just want you to know one thing...
every decision u make...
no matter good or bad...
there will be someone sacrificing...
don't ever be a good person...
because the more good u be...the more hurt the person is...
i noe in ur heart...i gain a special place...
as in my heart u also gain a special place too...
this place u also noe...nobody can replace it one...
so treasure it okay...
today things...i didnt mean it one...
i just wan u to realize...
that even what u did that hurt me...
im still at ur side...
and don't always say donno...
don't be afraid to get what u like...
love isnt build in one day..
love needed time to rebuild...
even if u ask me wheter i love you or not...
i will also say no...
because we still didnt try it out together...
so that is not call love...
we juz like each other...
not love...

silly gal...

Everytime I only can see the shadow of you...
but anyway i still like you...

3 May 2009 3.34am

yesterday didnt write blog...
no mood to write...many things happen...

mostly is bad things...damn...

forget bout yesterday...lets talk about today...

nothing happened...

just let my friends tease me today...

haiz...

sotong go to pub again...
they said why she love go to pub always...
i said to them...
i also always going...
so i cant stop her from going...
its their freedom, not mine...
and i have no position to stop her...
im not her anyone..

i realize something today...
what i did, did she really appreciate it...
or she just treat me as a friend...
i really cant describe it...
sometimes she really close with me...
but sometimes im just like a friend...
that makes me really insecure...

hugo they all ask me to forget it...
i also got think of that...
but its been half year...
i dun wan to give up half way...
damn stress and sad...

as for sotong...
she had her life...
i cant stop her what she like to do...
go ahead ba...
mayb someday...
u will realize...
who is good enough for u...

nitez

1 May 2009 1.47pm

currently listening to this song...NEYO MAD
quite nice...
lyrics got some coincidence with my life journey..
some la...not all la...but i think many also been thru this situation before...
rated it 4 out of 5 stars...

today sotong back bp got sms me...its 8.55am
wow...she juz sleep about a few hour then rush back bp already...
i think she is very tired...
but what kind of bf is that...haiz...
i have no position to say him...
as long as she is happy...
im happy...

i almost crazy today....
im very fan and frustrated...
i didnt tell anyone..
because nobody can help me...
even sotong...
its natural..
i don't like say my feelings toward others...
mayb thats why all my relationship don't work well ba...

many people ask me...are you happy now...
i didnt answer at all...
im not answering not because i dont know how to answer...
but its because even i tell them...they also ask me to give up...
i noe what im doing now may not give me the happiness i want...
mayb it will hurt me more...
but the fact now is...
only she is the one that cheer me up when im down...
she is the one that accompany me day and night...
she is the one that encourage me when im afraid...
that is enough for not making me giving up...
She meant very much to me...

time passes very fast...
im still pursuing my life...
should i or should i not...
i don't know...

life is like gambling...
just as a person said...
there is always a chance if you try it...
im trying now...
God...please help me out of this misery...

Please Give me a chance again...
i promise i will be good again...
i promise

1 May 2009 4.04am

juz finish a game of dota...

lose...can win one...but suddenly noe she is at melaka...

no heart to play already...

haiz...why i become like this

i also don't know...

maybe its myself have put too much into her already...
i keep telling myself to stop thinking about this...
but i just can't...
to watch the woman i like going out with another guy...
its like slicing my own flesh with a blunted knife...
painful....
but what can i do...
she belongs to another guy..
not mine...i cant do a thing about it...
just hoping that..
everything will go my way...

Obstacles are meant to be broken,
but i cant break it....

hope i can...hope so